February 23, 2007

Today is my birthday. One of my favorite days of the year…
Today I have been ruminating on a lot of things, having been up since 7:30 or so (cut me some slack, since I started my 9-5 I can’t sleep past 8:30 usually, birthday or no)
mostly the ups and downs of my life over the last 25 years. The important things I’ve learned:

-Trust your gut.
-Always make sure people know how amazing you think they are
-Take risks
-Find one thing every day to be joyful about
-Learn to cook well
-Be flexible
-Take nothing for granted
-Nothing is what it seems, or what you plan, or sometimes even what you hope…

This last one the most simultaneously painful and joyful lesson I have ever learned. The essence of it is that elements of our lives are whizzing by us at an incredible rate and every so often we get lucky enough for 2 or 3 things to collide at just the right moment and create something astoundingly beautiful. Sometimes these collisions result in a life changing, painful, blinding explosion but if we try and control that process, we might end up mising the best thing to ever happen to us.

So today, this day of my birth, I am taking the whole day to be grateful for all those little collisions that led me here. And for all the people who helped me survive through them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, a million times.

"The dawn is breaking

A light shining through

You're barely waking

And I'm tangled up in you

YeahI'm open, you're closed

Where I follow, you'll go

I worry I won't see your face

Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

Out of the doubt that fills my mind

I somehow find

You and I collide

I'm quiet you know

You make a first impression

I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide You finally find You and I collide You finally find" -Howie Day, Collide.


February 21, 2007

when I finally do have this child, I know, unequivocally that I will look forward to the day when he comes in after curfew because I can say to him: “You have ALWAYS kept me up nights my darling”

insomnia sucks

tonight as we were driving back from the movies, we saw one of the neighbors bunnies, Fang (we’ve named the bunnies threatening names to entertain ourselves) just sitting in the middle of the road. Attila the Bun, his counterpart, was sitting in the adjoining lawn watching him.
As we pulled into our driveway I said to Luke “babe, you have to go see what’s wrong with Fang”
to which he replied “I was gonna!”
and he got out of the car, walked to the rabbit, looked at him concernedly, scooped him up and carried him to our neighbors yard. We knocked and returned the rabbit (the general consensus is a car winged him and broke his back and he’s gonna have to be put down poor bun.) Luke talked with our neighbor and allowed the little kid next door to pull him around the house for a while as I just stood there saying “poor bunny!”
When we got inside our house, I told Luke that I loved that he immediately thought to go check on the rabbit, even before I said anything. I said “you love all living creatures”
to which he replied, with a kiss to the belly and a hand on my cheek, “I especially love this living creature. And this one”

the boy has got romantic skills when he wants them that’s for sure.

"A mother told her daughter go out and find yourself 
a brown eyed handsome man
That's what your daddy is a brown eyed handsome man

Milo Venus was a beautiful lass
She had the world in the palm of her hand
but she lost both her arms in a wrestling match
to get a handsome brown eyed man
she fought and won herself a brown eyed handsome man..."

 There are a lot of songs about blue eyes and green eyes and every now and then a 
love song about brown eyes...Eyes of every color get odes. Even hazel eyes got a little 
tribute thanks to my girl Kelly Clarkson!
 I've been listening to a lot of love songs lately, all kinds of styles. From joyful upbeat ones to 
quiet sad songs. Mostly I listen because the baby seems to like it when I sing to him and
when I dance around cleaning the kitchen. But I've been listening to get a grasp on what this
feeling is that I've had a lot lately. This sense of ease and lightness. It takes a lot for me to go
crisis mode, and I feel confident (if ungainly) and though things still frustrate me every now and then
and sometimes I have a hard time communicating what I want, I am truthfully very happy.
Is this the love they're talking about?
 I've been innundated with the images of romance and love lately, everyone has, with the good old V-Day
coming up. Honestly, I nothing the holiday, since my birthday falls in the same month, when I'm in a 
relationship my birthday usually got precedence over the corporate holiday and I was given a joint present. 
And when I was single, it just never occured to me to be bitter because it came and went without my noticing it.
But I've been reading all those articles about romantic gifts and engagement proposals and roses
and I've been ruminating on it all...
 Mostly I have been thinking a lot about my relationship. And not just in terms of how it will be changing
once Colin gets here. But how we got here, where we're going, what makes this relationship so steeady 
feeling, so comforting and familiar. Our 6 years of friendship certainly helps, as does our ability to talk 
about everything. I'm sure that my being mentally healthy as of late (read: since last May) helps a lot too.
But it's more than that, something intangible, something that I struggle to define but am certain I have never felt
before. I use the word "incredible" a lot and "wonderful" and "joyful" in almost irritating repeat, and yet
it's still not enough. This morning as I kissed Luke goodbye, and he got into his truck to go to work, I looked at
this handsome brown eyed man I've got. A man who couldn't be more different from what I thought I wanted, a man
who really believes that his job is take care of me and worship me, a man who loves his family and friends and his God
with a ferocity that inspires people who meet him, a man with an innate curiosity about the world and a passion
for learning. A man who quite probably shares his beautiful brown eyes with my son...
and I smiled. Because there it was again. That feeling. 
 Where am I going with this? I don't know. Is it an attempt to create a Valentine for the partner I am irrevocably
bound too? Is it just a stream of thought that occured to me as I listened to Chuck Berry and Van Morrison as
I washed the dishes? I don't know.
But I'm grateful for that feeling. Whatever it is. Because it makes everything that much better.

Adventures in Hospitaling

February 7, 2007

Hooray for histrionics!
Thanks to a seemingly unrelated series of symptoms my OB sent me to the hospital yesterday. While there I got to wear “the gown”, get strapped to fetal monitors, watch my faux contractions on a screen, worry for about an hour that I was going into pre-term labor, get a shot from a nurse with 9 fingers, a ride in a wheelchair from the same nurse and watch Luke pick the lock of a locked hospital bathroom…
it was an awesome day.
I am, in fact, fine. But I was dehydrated (which caused my contractions and in turn caused them to give me a shot of Albueterine – a muscle relaxer that works like Proventil, the asthma medication, in that it relaxes a your muscles but makes you super shaky, also it has a reaction in some people (ME!) that mimics your blood pressure plummeting, but only if you’re hydrated -)so today I begin drinking like I was doing the detox diet again…
“what’s this detox diet?” you muse
surely you knew me when I went on the crazy detox diet?!?! no? you’ve never heard about that? OH MAN. Is that a crazy story. A story for later.


February 5, 2007

If I gave birth today I would have a son.
He would survive.
He would be tiny and birdlike and fragile.
But he would breathe in and out, with human lungs rather than gills…
And his wee little heart would beatbeatbeat.
If I gave birth today
I would be a mother.
It is a comepletely incapacitating thought to have.
The next 10 weeks are for growing. And grow we shall.
Mostly with the idea that I am not the same person I was this time last year.
And I never will be.

QUICK DISCLAIMER: If you’re related to me or if you don’t like hearing about me and sex in conjunction I’d skip this one if I were you.

Before I tell you what I did last night (you’re already thinking sordid thoughts I know) I should give you a little background.
I am one of those feminists who don’t so much mind porn. Who enjoy sex and it’s various incarnations. Who find sex toys entertaining and amusing. Who think that stripping can not only be fairly lucrative but empowering as well.
I’m one of those.
I make very few judgments where sex is concerned, (my judgment however will come down like hellfire if I hear about any sort of sexual anything involving parties who didn’t implicitly say “this is ok by me” read: rape, molestation, beastiality, etc.) You say you’re gay? good times, me too (I believe it was my friend Marcos who began calling me “The Half Gay”, like: “oh yeah, I’m half gay, on my mother’s side”)! You say you’re a straight guy who likes a little ass play? hot. You say you’re a lady who likes to be tied up? Who doesn’t? 🙂
I was raised in a household where sex was thought of as a natural thing, it was discussed in a frank and open manner and very little stigma was attached to it. One of the most surprising aspects of my own sexuality is that I waited so long to come out to my parents (in my 20’s) who have shown through their affiliations and choices of friends to have no problem with bisexuality or homosexuality at all. I have experimented enough with sex and have talked with enough different people about it (sex industry workers, porn shop owners, ministers, strippers, friends, etc) to feel fairly knowledgeable about the act itself.
Long story made long: I have no beef with sex. I have minimal hangups about sex. (I have no libido generally, but that’s a whole other can of worms).I know about the sex. Hooray sex.

it would come as no surprise to anyone who knows me to see me at Fascinations last night (not that I frequent it, but that I would be there at all). I’m sure the surprise would be voiced to see Luke with me, but hey! It’s a fun date to go the porn shop! To look at the silicon dicks and the expensive videos and the “Sexy Dorothy Gale” costume…Fun for all!
In a fit of boredom last night I suggested we visit the store and see what we could see, perhaps the new Suicide Girls DVD would be out. Maybe we could purchase some jokey Valentine’s Day presents for each other. So we got in the car and grabbed dinner first (we’re so romantic, “Pizza before porn darling?” “Oh yes!”) and talked politics, like we do. Then we drove over to the store on Elliot.
It was packed full of people. Which I found surprising. I’d been there on the weekend before and usually the store had a grand total of 10 folks browsing. Last night there must have been 40 or so people there. A lot of couples enjoying themselves, it was really heartening.
Luke and I did a slow circuit of the floor, noting the big poster for a Valentine’s Day promotion they had going : “Free Boudoir Photos! Here!” and “Be our next Model!” I can only assume the large amounts of folks was due to that.
I will state for the record that shopping at a porn store is not nearly so entertaining while you’re hugely pregnant as it is when you’re cute and skinny. The lingerie won’t fit you and you realize that your mere presence is driving up condom sales.It was salvaged by the presence of Luke who had only been to a porn store once or twice and is certainly the more…inhibited, let’s say…of the two of us. I reveled in showing him the crazy vibrators, the giant silicon cast of Ron Jeremy’s Johnson, and we enjoyed perusing the vast collection of adult films they had. We mostly steered clear of the lingerie because it made me feel so giant.
As we finished our second lap of the store we were approached by two women who plesantly informed us that the photography they were doing was free! And everyone got one free print to take home! And would I like to take some sexy photos for my guy there? I smiled at them and told them that boudoir photography of giant pregnant ladies is not so much hott as it is alarming. They just laughed and said that they took a lot of photos of pregnant ladies and they had time open.
Part of my head thought: Don’t even, huge one. Nobody wants to see that.
The other part thought: What the hell.
And so I went with them. And I had my picture taken (topless no less!) by a very nice husband and wife team, who complimented me a whole lot and took some really great shots of me and the belly. And even took a few of Luke and me together and gave us 2 free pictures, which was super nice and I think it was because Luke talked camera talk with them and I just whipped my shirt off without blinking. We were amusing.
After that adventure we decided to wrap up our visit. We went up to check out and we chatted about how busy it was, how nice the photographers were and our purchases. As we got up to the register I realized that it was a nice place, the customers were friendly and there was a lot of interesting things to look at…
SO what I guess this whole long story is saying is:
I applied for a part time job at Fascinations last night on a whim, but I think it would be fun to work there. So, if they call you, tell them I’m awesome and that I know about the sex.
And that just having me on the floor will drive up condom sales.